Coming Clean

I really don’t know what to say…

It looks like there is a very strong possibility that we will be going back to Australia, in the not so distant future. There are various reasons for this sudden turn of events, and I have been in full-on contemplation mode about these reasons, over the past three or so weeks.

Ashley arrived home from Nigeria Friday night; the distance between him and the office spurring his desire to break free, even more. I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t know when it is going to happen and I sure as hell don’t know what we are going to do in Australia, if and when we do make it across those fair waters, toward the southern hemisphere – to the land of sweeping plains.

We have considered the logistics of the second gigantic move of our lives, and all the important factors. Like, what are we going to do with ourselves? Where, in that vast country, are we going to live? Do we go back to where we sprang from or somewhere new?

It is funny; I have been scanning the Aussie real estate sites, trying to gather inspiration as to where we might live. For some reason I was looking at Katoomba, in the beautiful Blue Mountains of New South Wales – it is a place I have never been, but have always wanted to visit.

There was a photograph of a house on this particular website – I can’t remember whether it was even desirable, but it was in a lovely bush setting in the mountains. One of the photos within the collection showcasing this property contained a visual of a dirt track, with eucalyptus bush land leering and looming in around it like a guard of honour. For a brief moment I was transported. I could hear my feet crunching along that gritty track. I could feel the warm sun on my back and a gentle breeze swirling playfully in my hair. I could hear the sound of kookaburras laughing and magpies warbling, and I saw a cluster of tiny brown birds dart across me, from my right. The sky was the colour of blue topaz, with shaggy wisps of white cloud scattered haphazardly across the expansive oblivion. I could even smell a familiar suffocating mixture of powdered earth and dry gums leaves; a mixture that stirs from even the lightest trampling of feet.

It was staggering at how familiar this scene was to me; how real it seemed in that moment- like I was there. It was like the landscape; the bush; the gums; the bird calls of my native land, were exuding from the very marrow of my bones.

But despite these feelings, this strange comfort and familiarity, I also had a feeling that it was beyond me, and unexpected.

I don’t think I can articulate this very well, but it was kind of like…..well, I kind of got this message that was reassuring me that this land was not going any place and for me to enjoy my time in BC for a little while longer. Perhaps it was telling me to say my goodbyes to BC, to take her in; notice her gifts and special attributes; be present; breathe her into my bones and into my heart, to that place where I can never forget her.

I have no entitlements in Canada, unlike Australia, where I was born and bred. Canada owes me nothing, nor do I don’t expect her to, and so I am acutely aware that I will never again have the opportunity to get to know her like I have over the past two years. I guess in a way, I am already experiencing the inevitable separation, and a budding of loss. I guess, when the time comes, it will be easier to say goodbye.