The long road home

We are coming home.

On the virtual eve of your two year anniversary here in Canada, we have decided that we are going to go back to Australia. We hope to be standing upon Australian soil by December 2007.

We don't know what we are going back to. Things change with the passing of time; places, people, ourselves, and then there are the unexpected things; things that perhaps only we, the removed, will notice.

Things will not be the same once we get back, nor do I expect them to be, which makes me a little afraid, a little uneasy and tentative in expressing my joy to return. I am afraid you will not like the new us, if you perceive there to be a "new us"; I am concerned that you have adjusted splendidly to our absence and there is no longer a place for us in your lives. Our kids don't know you, and you don't really know them; give them time, they will love you, just as we do.

We don't really know exactly where we are going to call home, within our wide brown land; we are hoping Adelaide, so we can be nearer to those we have missed, but the reality is that we have to go where the work is.

So why now....when we initially suggested forever.

Well, the answer to that could very well take pages to explain, and each page might present statements that contradict with the last: I love it here, but I dislike what I have become. I have enjoyed the years of quiet reflection and have appreciated being removed from certain stressful situations, but I dislike the isolation, dislocation from the social and the loneliness. The financial situation here has been crippling, stifling, limiting and suffocating, and yet we hope to return with a good profit. Ashley will tell you his love for sport is one reason he yearns so strongly for Australia, and yet we have not watched a single game of hockey, a sport that rivals Aussie Rules, concerning the inspired passion, and frenzied supporters stakes. We might tell you how soul depleting we found the cold dark months of winter over here, and yet the sight of falling snow was such joy to the heart, that our inner child simply burst with wonderment and playful abandon that we secretly wished it would keep falling like soft feathers, forever. We will tell you that the timing fits with children's schooling so they fit in and make friends, all the while tearing them away from the Canadian friends they have already made. I might tell you that I have missed Australia and am glad or, perhaps relieved to be home, but do not scold me, if I present with a broken heart when reflecting upon my time in Canada, for unlike Australia, which I know to be waiting for us with reassuring welcoming arms, I know my life here in Canada can never be again...it is over and it is done, and it feels a little like the end of a marriage, in some respects....one simply can not go back.

I first fell in love with Canada in 1999, when we spent time there on vacation. I longed to return, and dreamed of one day doing just that, saying that "I could live there"....mind is a powerful thing. But like all fairy tales, they are just that, fairy tales; skimming over the realities of real life and the practicalities of everyday living...no one lives happily ever after; it would be superficial to suggest they do; dismissing a person's growth through the challenges, adversity and the self-reflection they have had to endure.

When we return, I hope to make some good choices. I hope to return, having acquired some wisdom, though I can't tell you what kind of wisdom that is, for at this point, as I am still living in the moment. I hope to return and not make the same mistakes I have made in the past, but really, I don't know where life is taking me next.... taking us next, but I am open to whatever it is.

I just want to live.

Solar Flares

I am contributing this poem to Poetry Thursday's NaPoWriMo prompt - Blaze.

Solar Flares

Solar plexus swells and radiates.

A throbbing, scorching sun,

Burns the centre of my being.

Intense.

I am left,

Feeling blistered and tender.

Oh! The pain.....

Had I known before,

I would have protected my heart

Under a hat;

Wrapped my soul

In dark glasses

And drunk a cocktail

Of Mississippi Moonshine and SPF15 Plus.

One can never be too sun smart.

© Strauss

16th February 2007

A bit of a turn off

The kids annoyed me so much the other night that I had to go for a swift walk to the local Star Bucks to let off steam and brood for about a half and hour, before I felt up to facing the troops again.

It was really just a plain old power struggle and attempt in boundary pushing. For the one millionth time, Mister and Missy Mopps decided to turn out their toys on the ground, only to walk away two minutes later, with a pile of discarded rubble scattered around.

I struggled to get them to clean it up, and the effort involved tired me out, so this time I gave them an ultimatum: clean it up or no TV for a week - they called my bluff...so there has been no TV this week.

Actually, they have been surprisingly great about it. They have only asked to watch the box once, and when I said no, they were very accepting, shrugged their shoulders and went off and did something else. We have done a few other things this week; together things, made cookies, iced cookies, painted an assortment of pictures, played more, drove bikes, sorted through junk, generally tidied up and even went to the dentist. We have all been in better moods even. I must say, I am rather impressed.

We might have to make this a permanent arrangement in our lives....well, at least in a much more limited capacity...this was a positive move, for all I think. Though I haven't had much time to write this week, I have had fun with the kids.

Life is about the experience, after all...

Ok, Ok! I wrote this last night BEFORE the fitness jeer up, so bear with me.

It appears Karen from Misc Mum has posed another challenge; the HELLO GORGEOUS challenge: Find a picture of oneself that one is happy with, and tell the story around it... pretty much.

Initially, I doubted I could fulfill this challenge. I haven't exactly been able to find my "happy place" for a while, and sifting through the photos I have on file, well there weren't really a whole lot of pictures of me in there, and of the few there were, they were GOD AWFUL; talk about a miserable looking so and so. Even a photo that was taken only two weeks ago, terrible! I looked tired, frumpy, washed out, pale, as if Dracula had sucked the life out of me, AND I appeared to have aged about ten years over the past two and a half. I didn't realise, but I have literally been wearing the hardships I have endured over the past couple of years, like a rumpled overcoat.

This is one of the few recent pictures I actually like; there are others that are passable, but I don't have a scanner. This one was taken by Ashley in September 2004. We had just taken Ashley out for a Father's Day lunch at the Port Adelaide Football Club in Alberton, South Australia (a dream come true for Ashley). Port won the premiership that year, if I remember correctly.

After the lunch, we took the footy out and went to an empty field and kicked it around. It was a glorious clear blue spring day; warm, with a gentle breeze, which shifted through my hair in just the right way.

I looked tanned and fit, though we were coming out of winter. My hair looks good, not the hacked to death with a machete, birds nest, I sport these days.

I am holding my beautiful six month old daughter, who has been an absolute joy since the moment she drew breath.

I had stuff going on in my life back then. I was finishing up my International Studies Graduate Diploma, and had just started my numerology course. I had a social life, and good friends with whom I would catch up with here and there, for coffee, a chat and/or a walk. Life was sweet. I was pretty happy....so why the bloody hell did I go and trade that in, for:

-No physically available friends
-No social life
-Isolation, all all its forms
-No decent career prospects... at all
-Bugger all sun
-a very limiting financial situation
-a house that should have been bulldozed
and
-a severely dinged self-esteem?
HELLO
No wonder I feel like a big fat loser!
........................
I was somewhat depressed after doing the picture paints a thousand words photo comparison "this is then, that is now" style (not recommended). Then I thought about things a bit and realised that I had just started trying to reclaim myself; fitness being the first cab off the sluggish rank, and so I thought I would blog about that instead, thinking I would leave my scornful words to disintegrate into frail moth eaten papery rags that no one would ever read.

Later I re-read to Ashley, what I had written about my photo shock, and it was kind of funny to hear it out loud. In fact, we fell about laughing over my harsh words. So I thought I would share it with you and give myself a few lasting words of encouragement while I am at it, so here goes: "Hello Gorgeous, you have been missing in action for a while, but I hope to see you real soon. You are doing well, mate. Don't worry, you'll get there".

Fitness Update

Since I made the grand announcement, the other week, about getting fit and joining Curves, I have been rather secretive and silent about the whole thing...that would normally indicate I had done bugger all about it, and was hoping you might all forget that I ever mentioned it...yeah.

Considering the low opinion I have of myself, that is exactly why I didn't mention it before now, but surprise, surprise, I have actually kept up my deal with the devil (the devil being me) and have attended Curves regularly and diligently over the past two weeks.

The first week, I attended four times in a week. The second week, I attended three times and added a Nordic Walk venture to the mix, since it was the first week of the Spring sessions.

And you know, I am starting to feel the benefits. I can feel that this exercise thing is doing me some good - not Lycra good (we may never get to that point), but good all the same. The exercise is even helping my mood. I feel like I am kind of clawing my way out of the dark and dreary doldrums. There is even a spring in my step, and an absence of "the snarly grump" (also me).

Imagine if I saw this thing through until November and even beyon. How much better perpared might I feel, when the dark abyss of winter begins to cast is gloomy shadow over the landscape? O-Oh, I can feel some hopes getting up a little too high, some unrealistic expectations creeping in ...I better get back into my box now and pretend I haven't noticed the changes...

I will present another update in two weeks.

Like thistle spores in the wind....

Rooted.....hmmm, an unfortunate word within the Australian vocabulary. I won't explain it, but the Aussies among us will understand.....

"Roots", of course has other connotations, neither vulgar nor offensive, and it is within this context, that the dear folk at Sunday Scribblings have proposed the word "Rooted", along with its contextual variants, for this weeks writing prompt.

Actually, I really would like to feel "rooted". I haven't felt rooted in a really long while...ten years, in fact. Please allow me to explain.....

My husband works away a lot. The company for which he works, runs its operations internationally, for the most part. As the company grows, so too is the need for positions in new regions. Most of the time he is told, with little notice, that he is to be sent to such and such a base in Whoop Whoop for X number of weeks. We could live with that arrangement, that is the way of the world, according to his particular line of work.

A couple of times though, he has been told, that he was to move permanently to another country, to run a base. Twice this has happened. Twice our world was rocked by such scenarios. Twice it fell through at the eleventh hour, leaving us writhing, depleted, and clutching for something hidden in the nothingness; a strange feeling, especially given that nothing fundamental seemed to have really changed, at all.

Rootedness is a state of mind, but it is also wrapped up in issues concerning identity, belonging and ones sense of stability. One's culture and country, along with the memories connected to those concepts, are generally things that remains firm, sturdy and steadfast, in ones life. That being said, I know this is not the case for all. I have worked with enough refugees and immigrants, to know that country is really just as impermanent as everything else in this life, but for the most part, it is the most enduring and stable of the things and ideas that sway and teeter precariously in our lives. A sense of home is essential to rootedness, birth country or not...we all must feel we belong somewhere.

In 1997 we were told we were going to Myanmar (Burma). We had no choice. I have nothing against the place, but I had just started a path of higher education. Education, at that point in my life, was akin to an inner calling; one that was more to do with healing, than simply learning stuff. Needless to say, the decision to journey down that undulating educational road was not made lightly, so the possibility of abandoning such dreams was thwart with much nonsensical angst. My head was filled with questions, "why now, when this education journey felt so right?" These questions led me on to another path, such as wondering about opportunity, and ideas about that which lays in wait for us in Myanmar; "what if we were MEANT to be there".
The deal eventually fell through, but the process made me question my studies, interests and focus, resulting in me ditching my ambiguously defined Arts degree; two years in, and commencing a Social Work degree instead; a four year commitment.

The first year of my SW degree was fantastic, and I met a wonderful friend at the new university, who I now consider one of my soul sisters. At the end of that first year, the company Ashley worked for, suffered a major contractual blow and laid off a large number of people as a result. Ashley's position vanished from under his feet and he was told the only position for him, within the company, was in Thailand...we had the weekend to think about it, though it was hardly a decision really, it was a forced situation.

For months we made hasty logistical arrangements to leave; letting go of certain things around us. Suddenly, the life we had always known, could not feature within our immediate plans, and we had to try to imagine a different reality.

After four months, and no word of exactly when we were leaving, we were told, once again, "the deal was off", while initially relieved - this degree thing felt constantly under-threat - the company had a dilemma on their hands - what to do with Ashley. This type of uncertainty carried on for a year, resulting in an inability to plan ANYTHING, for we were assured we were being shipped off "somewhere", just as soon as a position became available. It was a most unsettling time, with out lives feeling stagnant and stalled.

In the end, Ashley was re-titled back into the same job that had been made redundant a year before. The same job Ashley had been doing the entire year, in an unofficial capacity. Once again, nothing changed...but I did.

The energy that swirled during that time, uprooted me. I had spent such a long time floating, like a thistle spore in the wind, that I just wanted the breeze to carry me where I needed to go, and lay me down gently on a new patch of fertile earth. I guess I was yearning for the energy that had so violently uprooted me, to run full circle, but I would have to wait another 6 more years for that part in the process to take place.

When the opportunity arose, we applied to move permanently with the company, to Canada; and in doing so, the proverbial monkey was off our backs. I think our little corner of Canada is beautiful. Daily, I stand in awe of my surroundings: the mountains, the islands, the greenery, the water, the animals, but as enchanting as it is here, it actually feels like we are just on one really long holiday. We have no family here. The politics of this country are foreign to me, although I have tried to get into it, the background of the issues are missing, and so I largely feel ignorant to it all. My friends are in Australia, and they are creating lives and families of their own. A dear, dear friend of mine rang tonight, to tell me she had her baby - a healthy boy, her first. I can't believe that I am here, missing such a momentous event. She was the first of my visitors for each of my children, and yet, I am not there, for her glorious moment. Hey, I can't even get into hockey for Gods sake, and it is THE PLAYOFFS (go Canucks!) See, even THAT wasn't convincing. My husband has been terribly homesick; pining for his Aussie rules football and his cricket (yawn). As for me, I am not really pining for anything, other than people.

For me, becoming uprooted was emotionally painful. It could be likened to a young child being ripped from the arms of a panic stricken mother, and never feeling the enveloping reassurance of her loving embrace again. It is difficult to give in and trust being touched the same way, since it felt so traumatic to be plucked from the soil of ones own sense of self, the first time around.

It would be nice to settle and embed oneself whole heartedly into the process of building a life. I seriously want to shout at myself - "for God's sake, GET ROOTED! "

Poetry Thursday - the one where I am too chicken

I am a reclusive type of person. In fact, it took me nearly 20 years to pluck up the courage and reveal my poems to anyone. While I present them here, at Poetry Thursday, I have only done so since Februray 2007. It was a daunting proposition, at first, but everyone has been so supportive in their commentary, that I feel gamer in sharing my writings, but to under take this weeks prompt was a little too much, too soon for me. Yep, I am a piker and I sincerely apologise.

Instead of this weeks totally optional idea, I have opted to share a poem I wrote earlier in the week, for the NaPoWriMo prompt "Bluff".

The Bluff
The Bluff stands tall;

Rising like an ancient warrior

From fertile coastal plains.

Proud and sturdy

Against the tumultuous sea.

The stoic Bluff;

Bearer of unrelenting lashings

Vicious attacks

From angry waters churning below

They strike hard against unyielding granite footings.

The south wind thrusts

Its merciless breath

Tousling squat grasses

And wild geraniums

Trembling in the scraping gale.

Summit yearnings

Require fortitude

But jubilation awaits the brave

And unsurpassed seascapes

Transfix initially reluctant ramblers.

Encounter Bay curves gently, to the east

A sandy beach hugs the coastline,

Like lemon frosting on a delectable cake;

The white teeth of broken waves

Bite hungrily into the shoreline.

With disciplined eyes

One can trace the edge of the world

Until far-flung sea mists

Blur the horizon

Blending land, sea and sky, into one.

There is nothing south of The Bluff

But a million miles of sea

And eventually ice.

The Bluff is enduring.

The Bluff stands tall.

© Strauss

14th April 2007