Thursday, 26 April 2007

The long road home

We are coming home.

On the virtual eve of your two year anniversary here in Canada, we have decided that we are going to go back to Australia. We hope to be standing upon Australian soil by December 2007.

We don't know what we are going back to. Things change with the passing of time; places, people, ourselves, and then there are the unexpected things; things that perhaps only we, the removed, will notice.

Things will not be the same once we get back, nor do I expect them to be, which makes me a little afraid, a little uneasy and tentative in expressing my joy to return. I am afraid you will not like the new us, if you perceive there to be a "new us"; I am concerned that you have adjusted splendidly to our absence and there is no longer a place for us in your lives. Our kids don't know you, and you don't really know them; give them time, they will love you, just as we do.

We don't really know exactly where we are going to call home, within our wide brown land; we are hoping Adelaide, so we can be nearer to those we have missed, but the reality is that we have to go where the work is.

So why now....when we initially suggested forever.

Well, the answer to that could very well take pages to explain, and each page might present statements that contradict with the last: I love it here, but I dislike what I have become. I have enjoyed the years of quiet reflection and have appreciated being removed from certain stressful situations, but I dislike the isolation, dislocation from the social and the loneliness. The financial situation here has been crippling, stifling, limiting and suffocating, and yet we hope to return with a good profit. Ashley will tell you his love for sport is one reason he yearns so strongly for Australia, and yet we have not watched a single game of hockey, a sport that rivals Aussie Rules, concerning the inspired passion, and frenzied supporters stakes. We might tell you how soul depleting we found the cold dark months of winter over here, and yet the sight of falling snow was such joy to the heart, that our inner child simply burst with wonderment and playful abandon that we secretly wished it would keep falling like soft feathers, forever. We will tell you that the timing fits with children's schooling so they fit in and make friends, all the while tearing them away from the Canadian friends they have already made. I might tell you that I have missed Australia and am glad or, perhaps relieved to be home, but do not scold me, if I present with a broken heart when reflecting upon my time in Canada, for unlike Australia, which I know to be waiting for us with reassuring welcoming arms, I know my life here in Canada can never be is over and it is done, and it feels a little like the end of a marriage, in some simply can not go back.

I first fell in love with Canada in 1999, when we spent time there on vacation. I longed to return, and dreamed of one day doing just that, saying that "I could live there"....mind is a powerful thing. But like all fairy tales, they are just that, fairy tales; skimming over the realities of real life and the practicalities of everyday one lives happily ever after; it would be superficial to suggest they do; dismissing a person's growth through the challenges, adversity and the self-reflection they have had to endure.

When we return, I hope to make some good choices. I hope to return, having acquired some wisdom, though I can't tell you what kind of wisdom that is, for at this point, as I am still living in the moment. I hope to return and not make the same mistakes I have made in the past, but really, I don't know where life is taking me next.... taking us next, but I am open to whatever it is.

I just want to live.


Scotty said...

Well, if it does turn out to be Adelaide, lemme know. I'll give you my mobile number and once you're settled, I'll shout you guys to a homecoming lunch/dinner somewhere.


Miscellaneous-Mum said...

Wow. All I can say is that we'll be here to welcome you home.

Tracey said...

The mid north coast of NSW is nice ;) (except for the dearth of IT type jobs! - so no, I don't expect you'd end up anywhere near here!)

Seriously.. I really do feel for you with the mixed up jumble of feelings over it all.

Imagine those feelings when the time comes and your plane lands though..

Kathleen said...

You're following your heart...that can't be a bad thing. I know you will blossom again in your native land, and that makes me happy for you. I'm so happy that we met...and grateful that you will only be a blog post matter where you live.

Catherine said...

I'm butted up against my home state of New Mexico. And yet I feel a million miles away from home. I can't begin to imagine how you must feel, with so many miles between your old home and your new one. It's no wonder you have so many mixed emotions. Anything and everything you feel is justified.

Pendullum said...

Canada's loss is Australia's gain...
You are going home...

scribbit said...

I can understand the pull of roots. And I can't blame you, I've always dreamed of visiting Australia.

strauss said...

Thanks everyone for you kind words.
Hey Thanks Scotty. That would be cool.
It was an absolute pleasure to meet you too Kathleen, maybe we will agian someday, but certainly, we will always have email.