Simply Horrid

I love a good catalogue (please don't send me any...phew!).

No seriously, I do enjoy a quick flick through the catalogues that happen upon my doorstep; not your cheapo sales flyers, but the the magazine quality, glossy versions. Restoration Hardware is an example of the type of catalogue I am happy to ponder - not that I have ever bought anything from there, but they do send me a catalogue for my own perusal and entertainment all the same...how kind of them.

Yesterday, I received from the post office, no bills, no personal mail, no parcels - just advertising, bound together with a thick green rubber band, as if the post office were attempting to assist me with the inevitable bin file, by neatly bundling the documents most likely bound straight for the landfill. Having said that, I did release the band that secured the 5 or so flyers, just to make sure there wasn't anything of any great importance.

Among the clutch of papers was a flyer for a roof restoration company, a take-out menu to a local restaurant, McDonald's coupons, and an envelope containing a collection of "specials" from a variety of retailers. The only thing worth affording a second glance was The Home Depot's Dream Book.

The Dream Book is quite obviously aimed at women, with its little decorator knick knacks, furniture and soft furnishings adorning its shimmering pages. Personally I would rather have all my teeth extracted than venture into The Home Depot and hardware stores like it, especially if I have the kids in tow.

Anyway, I was giving the catalogue a glance while eating my dinner last night; mentally jotting down items on my You Wish! List, when I turned the page (pg 23 if you were wondering) to an image that was really quiet disturbing. This first image at the top of this posting shows an entire room wall papered in this ghastly print.

This wall paper, if you hope to avoid it, is called Raven Glass, by Shand Kydd. Its volume really is enough to cause even the staunchest shabby chic enthusiast to tuck oneself up into the fetal position and rock back and forth while clutching a beige paint sample to their bosom, with an insane twitching about their left eye.

I don't know if you can see this picture well enough, but even the door is wall papered. The caption reads "Add baseboard at the bottom and turn a door into a secret passage." I think the more realistic caption should read, "For your own amusement, add a baseboard at the bottom of the door and watch your one night stand awaken to the horror of this overbearing room and grow increasingly panicked at the thought that he is trapped forever."

Still reeling from page 23, I decide to turn the page, only to find page 24, sporting the unthinkable - a wallpapered ceiling. Or as I like to call it - the bane of future renovator's lives.

The caption for this stroke of decorator genius reads: "Papering the ceiling instead of the walls makes a space more interesting and intimate", which is another way of saying - a point of contention and cramped. The caption should perhaps read "how to devalue your property in one easy step".

Now this next image is a corker, if you ask me. It was not from the Home Depot catalogue, but rather one of those amusing catalogues that mysteriously wind up on your doorstep, every so often.

I have never succeeded in my attempt to spot our area's distributor of said catalogues, which are mostly filled with items no one in their right mind would want or desperately need; and even if one does happen upon something worthy of mild consideration, the rest of the items tend to taint its overall impression, and one winds up dismissing the said item with a what was I thinking, "Naaaaaaah!"

Nevertheless, I included the "tree face", as I felt it would probably suit the garden of any home considering the previous two decorating tips.

Much to my relief, I have seen this item featured in the drop and run catalogues over the past year or so, and have never encountered a tree sporting "the face".

But, in reference to this item's description, I would like to know exactly what part of a large plastic face on a tree is "realistic". I do however, buy the line about your tree becoming "the talk of the neighbourhood", as people will likely come from miles around to stand in amazement and ask..."Why?" , while small children plead for their mothers to find an alternative route, rather than be made to walk past "the house with the scary tree ".